Bring Out Your Dead!

Back at last, with the rest of the dead I missed last week!


Douglas Adams
Mar. 11, 1952 - May 11, 2001
You gotta love Douglas Adams. No, really. You are required to love Douglas Adams. It's a law now. He was the author of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series and the Dirk Gently books, all of which are hilarious. Died of a heart attack at a private gym at age 49. Had a huge influence on fandom, and quite a few writers (this one included) spent their formative years ripping him off. Currently, there is a movement underway to get city planners to rename 42nd Street in Portland, Oregon "Douglas Adams Way". There is no real reason for this, other than the significance of the number 42 in the Hitchhiker's books and the fact that Portland is filled with silly, silly people. Adams would have been proud.


Morton Downey, Jr.
Dec. 9, 1933 - Mar. 12, 2001
Without Morton Downey, Jr. the world wouldn't have The Jerry Springer Show, or any of the "tabloid trash" talk shows like it. Downey essentially pioneered the genre in the mid-1980s. Morton perfected this bit in talk radio, where he insulted pinhead liberal callers on a nightly basis. I used to catch the show on KHTV Houston, where I got my fill of Nazis, strippers, and various other white trash trailer park bastards. It was a good time, but the show ended in the late-1980s and Downey took various small villain parts in movies and TV shows, developed lung cancer from his chronic smoking, and finally died at age 67 in 2001. Interesting to note that he had also pursued a career in music (as had his father) and had a song in the Billboard Top 100, a country song ("Green Eyed Girl", which went as high as #95) in 1981.


John Holmes
Aug. 8, 1944 - Mar. 13, 1988
John Holmes (John Curtis Estes) was born in Ohio in 1944. Not long after that it was discovered that he had a huge schlong and he began a career in porn films. Something like that, anyway. By 1978 Holmes was making as much as $3000 a day in porn films, but he was putting it all up his nose. Holmes spent some time in jail and was tried and acquitted of being involved in some drug-related murders, and somewhere along the line he contracted A.I.D.S. and died from it in 1988. The film Wonderland is directly based on his life and Boogie Nights is a more loose adaptation. Holmes was reputed to have slept with more than 3,000 women in his life. Well, I doubt that number. I don't know how much sleep was really going on, and that's difficult to prove. Also, it must be noted that he wasn't really a very good looking man at all. Giant penis, yes...attractive, not so much. It's a good thing that Neil Young doesn't have a giant penis and an inclination to do porn, or it could have been so much worse.



Hank Ketchum
Mar. 14, 1920 - June 1, 2001
Created the comic strip "Dennis the Menace". Drew it for years. It was never funny, ever. Dennis the Menace character goes to TV and comics, remains unfunny. Dennis the Menace character is made into movies in the 1990s by Home Alone creator John Hughes, and it wasn't funny then. It just never, ever got to be funny to me. Also, it was kind of a rip-off as a comic strip. It was just a single-panel drawing (Family Circus-style), with some semi-humorous dialog below it. Did I mention it wasn't funny? Hank Ketchum had a real-life son named Dennis. For some reason (I can't imagine what) they became estranged and never spoke to each other again. Now that's funny.


Macdonald Carey
Mar. 15, 1913 - Mar. 21, 1994
Played a doctor on the soap opera Days of Our Lives, which I never watched. He would introduce and close the show, and his voice is still heard in the opening credits today. Had a long, long career in radio and TV. I mostly remember him from a low-budget movie made in the late-1970s which I think was called Starship Invasions, but I couldn't find it in the IMDB. He plays "Dr. McCarey", and he mostly stands around looking worried while the real action happens elsewhere. It was an awful movie, and I watched it late at night because I was always awake in the 1980s. I'll spoil the ending for you. The aliens are repelled, but at the very end a nurse enters the room and says "Dr. McCarey...it's starting again." And he looks really, really worried. Must have been hard to refuse a check with his name on it.


Arthur Godfrey
Aug. 31, 1903 - Mar. 16, 1983
I don't think there were a lot of tears shed when Arthur Godfrey died in 1983. He had been a TV pioneer, sure, but he was also (by many accounts) an absolute jerk. No matter what he did or said during his life, there is no denying that he fired Julius LaRosa on live television in 1953 allegedly because the singer had gotten an agent and the controlling Godfrey wasn't "down with that", as the kids say. But consider this: Godfrey is now dead, and LaRosa (now 78) has had a full Godfrey-free quarter century to dance on his grave. Godfrey was also allegedly the model for the character "Lonesome" Rhodes in A Face in the Crowd, about a friendly and popular TV host who is a mean-spirited, manipulative bully off-screen. Take that, Arthur Godfrey.

Death...the Ultimate Slacker

Yes, Death is a few days behind...what can ya do? It's hard to keep up with the ongoing roster of the non-living. But have no fear: I return Saturday, March 15, with a full catch-up of all the exciting news from the world of the dead.

Another Three-Named Redneck Assassin.

James Earl Ray
Mar. 10, 1928 - Apr. 23, 1998
I admit it. I really don't know that much about the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy. Once you've got into the JFK assassination, everything else seems kind of minor. Not that MLK and RFK weren't important, mind you...but there's only so much time to look into these things, and JFK is the Holy Grail of Conspiracy Science. Therefore my JFK knowledge is strong and my MLK knowledge is weak. But I do know that James Earl Ray, the man generally considered to be the assassin of Martin Luther King, first confessed to the crime and then spent thirty years in jail denying he did it. He was so persuasive that, by the time he died in 1998, he even had MLK's family convinced he didn't do it. And I don't really know whether he did or not. Everything I know comes from U2's song "Pride (In the Name of Love)", and even it is factually incorrect. The shooting happened at six in the evening...not early morning, as the song states. Ray claimed to have been set up by a mysterious man named "Raoul" or some such, and it was actually this shady character who shot King that evening. But if you saw that episode of X-Files, you know it was Cigarette Smoking Man who really did it.

Original Gangstas.

Alan Hale, Jr.
Mar. 8, 1921 - Jan. 2, 1990
Alan Hale, Jr. was a good character actor with one character: the Skipper. He was playing the Skipper for years before the part was created for Gilligan's Island, sometimes in westerns. He continued playing the part all the way until his death at age 70. The last time I saw him in 1989 or so was in commercials for TBS (with Bob Denver as Gilligan). They were both dressed as their old characters, still stranded on that island (which they escaped in a TV movie, by the way). He was obviously sick and very thin, but there he was. If you've ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000, you'll know that he appeared in more bad movies than just about any other actor. These included The Crawling Hand, Angel's Revenge, and Giant Spider Invasion. Also appeared on The Love Boat twice and Fantasy Island three times.


Biggie Smalls
May 21, 1972 - Mar. 9, 1997
Let's make one thing clear right now: I'm generally indifferent to rap and hip-hop music. The law of averages on music, as it is on all things, also applies here. 90% of everything, be it music, movies, or what have you, is bad. That's just the way it works out. But there's nothing like being dead that can suddenly make that mediocre recording artist seem like a martyr and a genius. Odds are most of us would never have heard of Biggie Smalls (or, the Notorious B.I.G.) had he not been shot and killed so young. And we damn sure wouldn't have heard that awful Puff Daddy tribute to him and Tupac ("Missing You") that sampled The Police's "Every Breath You Take". But now, like Selena, he's a fallen hero. I ride the bus most of the time here in Vegas, and I am confronted on almost a daily basis with young hip-hoppers and their oversized Biggie and Tupac tribute shirts. It boggles the mind. Simply put, rap and hip-hop music is disposable music. Very hot and popular, then gone and forgotten. Or there would be hip-hop oldies stations...and there are not. I'm just sayin'.

An American Master.

Andy Sidaris
Feb. 20, 1931 - Mar. 7, 2007
Andy Sidaris was the man. Period. After a long career as a respected producer for ABC Sports, he retired and moved to Hawaii. It was there he began his real career...making movies. And not just any movies. Ambitious films with lots of car chases, secret agents, and explosions. And tits. Lots and lots of tits. Almost exclusively former Playboy Playmates, Andy Sidaris' actresses found an excuse to get topless at almost every turn. It was a beautiful thing. He had some earlier directorial credits on various TV shows and movies, but is best known for the so-called "Malibu Bay" series of films. Between 1985 and 1998, Sidaris made 10 connected secret agent films, all concerning "The Agency" and the frequently naked agents employed by it. These included Malibu Express, Hard Ticket To Hawaii, and Picasso Trigger. And they weren't made with a penny of studio money...he financed them himself. After he stopped directing, he made appearances in all three of Jim Wynorski's Bare Wench parodies as sleaze mogul "Dick Bigdickian". Not bad, not bad at all. Good job, Andy. We need more guys like you.

How Boobs Changed My Life.

Bill Ward
Mar. 6, 1919 - Nov. 17, 1998
While "growing up", for lack of a better term, there were few high points in my life. I lived for Marvel comic books, I snuck a look at HBO to see naked breasts when I could, and I always bought Cracked magazine. Not Mad, that didn't do it for me. It had to be Cracked. And why? Because, frankly, it was funnier. And the art was better. In the late 1970s, the main artists in the mag I dug were John Severin and Bill Ward. Severin did the wacky TV parodies up front, and Bill Ward did the Nanny Dickering features at the back. I was just developing an appreciation for the female form, and Ward's women were big, busty, and trashy, with giant hips and enormous hair. But mostly busty. He had a long career of drawing women for men's magazines as far back as the 1940s and was the king of so-called "good girl art". His most famous creation was Torchy, a sexually suggestive (but not lewd) World War II-era comic strip. I really loved his work, even though in his later years he did a lot of highly-sexualized bondage work to pay the bills. I forgive ya, Bill...you're the best.

Brother Bluto and Dead Porn Star #3.

John Belushi
Jan. 24, 1949 - Mar. 5, 1982
John Belushi died 26 years ago today. A certified comic genius and brilliant actor, dead. And yet Jim Belushi, healthy as ever. Not his fault, really. It just goes to show you that life can suck. You know, Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison are dead, too...but Andrew Dice Clay? Will live to see 80, no problem. 80 and unfunny, but 80 nonetheless. But maybe, just maybe, that's the way it's supposed to be. You don't outstay your welcome. You don't become America's favorite TV dad on According to Jim, but you also don't end up on a VH1 reality series or a crappy sitcom with Cathy Moriarty. You die at the peak of your abilites leaving people wanting more, and the world truly misses you when you're gone. I'll never have that, Andrew Dice Clay will never have that, most people will never have that. But guys like John Belushi, they come around once in a lifetime. I wish I'd known him. Check out Belushi's Wikipedia page. It was amazing the things he did in his life. He crammed into 33 years more life than a lot of us have at 40 or more...or ever will. Well done, my friend.


Lolo Ferrari
Feb. 9, 1963 – Mar. 5, 2000
I wish I'd known Lolo Ferrari, too...but she was no Belushi. John Belushi was the type of guy I'd like to party with, bask in the glow of his sheer personal magnetism. Lolo Ferrari I just wanted to hump. It don't make me a bad person. Lolo has the distinction of having the largest silicone breast implants in the history of the world. Not the largest breasts, mind you, the largest implants. She also did porn...a legacy that her fans can enjoy even today. Wikipedia attributes her death to "natural causes", but she was 37 years old. What sort of "natural causes" kill you at 37? Why Wikipedia didn't mention that her husband was arrested for her murder (by suffocation) in 2002 is a mystery to me.

Edit: The husband was apparently later cleared...which as we know doesn't mean he didn't do it, but that they couldn't pin anything on him. My Consitutionally-protected opinion.

Catching Up With The Dead.

Lou Costello
Mar. 6, 1906 - Mar. 3, 1959
Abbott and Costello were never a factor in my life. I was aware of them, but I was never really a fan and I didn't like any of their 36 films except Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, which is great. But everybody knows it was the monsters and not A&C who made that so good. Of course I know the "Who's on First?" routine, everybody does. But can you name another of their routines? That's what I'm saying. The duo split up in 1957. Costello went on to make one solo film (The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock) and died of a heart attack on March 3, 1959. Bud Abbott, being a curmudeonly bastard, lived until 1974 and died peacefully in his sleep. The TV movie Bud and Lou has Costello (Buddy Hackett) in a hospital bed. Against the doctor's wishes he requests an ice cream soda. He drinks it and says "That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted", and drops dead. I always thought this story was crap, but apparently it's true. Leave it to Hollywood to surprise you with the truth.


John Candy
Oct. 31, 1950 - Mar. 4, 1994
I love John Candy. I was 13 years old when NBC started airing SCTV on Friday nights in 1981, and I'd more often than not fall asleep trying to watch the whole 90-minute show. He was a master of impersonations, from Orson Welles to Curly Howard to Merlin Olsen and Jackie Gleason, and he was more often than not the highlight of the show for me. Later he went on to appear in supporting roles in movies like Stripes and National Lampoon's Vacation before making a move to leading man and making a lot of unfunny films before his death, including Summer Rental, Who's Harry Crumb?, and Delirious. But don't forget he was also hilarious in the modern classics Spaceballs, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Splash, and Uncle Buck. Being in these four films alone make him fantastic. For me, one of his best roles came in 1991's JFK, where he has a very small part showing great dramatic range. As is the case with heavier actors, he died of a heart attack in his sleep during the filming of Wagons East! in Mexico on March 4, 1994, at age 43.

Lazy, Lazy Death.

Death is taking a couple of days off. Be back Wednesday, March 5, with more tales of death, boobs, and porn.

Death's Day Off!

Death is taking a couple of days off. Be back Wednesday, March 5, with more tales of death, boobs, and porn.

Dead Porn Star #2.

Cal Jammer
March 2, 1960 - January 25, 1995
Apparently, being a porn star and having sex all the time with beautiful women isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'd be willing to test that theory myself...but the evidence suggests that porn stars are as screwed up as the rest of us, if not more.

Cal Jammer (born Randy Lynn Potes) was such an individual. In the porn industry he was popular and got steady work, but wasn't necessarily a huge star. He developed a relationship with porn actress Jill Kelly and they were married in 1993, but he was using illegal drugs and suffering from depression and her openly cheating on him didn't help matters. She became involved with actress P.J. Sparxx as well during this time.

On January 25, 1995 Cal caught his wife in bed with a fellow porn actor. Hours later he blew his brains out in her driveway. This was the basis for a subplot in the film Boogie Nights a few years later.

Again, it seems like there is an extraordinary amount of tragedy in the adult industry. Could it be that the thing that makes a person want to appear in adult films is the same thing that screwed them up in the first place? Or am I just talking out of my ass? We'll never know for sure my friend...we'll never know for sure.

Fester? I Barely Knew Her!

Jackie Coogan
October 26, 1914 – March 1, 1984
Jackie Coogan was a child actor discovered by Charlie Chaplin in 1917 and he made millions from his movie roles. Unfortunately, all his earnings were spent by his mother and stepfather on cocaine and heroin. He sued them, only to get about $125,000 back. The legal battle resulted in legislation called The California Child Actor's Bill, or The Coogan Act, that specified that 15% of a child actor's earnings be set aside by the employer in a trust.

Coogan served in World War II as a Flight Officer and requested hazardous duty with the 1st Commando Air Group, where he flew British troops hundreds of miles behind Japanese lines. After the war he resumed his acting career and appeared in many films and TV series until his retirement in the mid-1970s.

Of course he's best remembered as Uncle Fester on The Addams Family TV series of the '60s. In the TV series Fester was Morticia's uncle, but in the 1991 movie he was Gomez's brother. My contention is that he was both, because they're both creepy and kooky. The Uncle Fester character was played by a badly miscast Christopher Lloyd in the 1991 film and its sequel, and Ron Jeremy played the part in the XXX-rated parody The Maddams Family. Not that I've seen that, of course. Okay, I'm lying. I have.

Jackie Coogan died of a heart attack at age 69 on Mar. 1, 1984. His grandson is actor Keith Coogan, who starred in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.