How Boobs Changed My Life.

Bill Ward
Mar. 6, 1919 - Nov. 17, 1998
While "growing up", for lack of a better term, there were few high points in my life. I lived for Marvel comic books, I snuck a look at HBO to see naked breasts when I could, and I always bought Cracked magazine. Not Mad, that didn't do it for me. It had to be Cracked. And why? Because, frankly, it was funnier. And the art was better. In the late 1970s, the main artists in the mag I dug were John Severin and Bill Ward. Severin did the wacky TV parodies up front, and Bill Ward did the Nanny Dickering features at the back. I was just developing an appreciation for the female form, and Ward's women were big, busty, and trashy, with giant hips and enormous hair. But mostly busty. He had a long career of drawing women for men's magazines as far back as the 1940s and was the king of so-called "good girl art". His most famous creation was Torchy, a sexually suggestive (but not lewd) World War II-era comic strip. I really loved his work, even though in his later years he did a lot of highly-sexualized bondage work to pay the bills. I forgive ya, Bill...you're the best.

Brother Bluto and Dead Porn Star #3.

John Belushi
Jan. 24, 1949 - Mar. 5, 1982
John Belushi died 26 years ago today. A certified comic genius and brilliant actor, dead. And yet Jim Belushi, healthy as ever. Not his fault, really. It just goes to show you that life can suck. You know, Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison are dead, too...but Andrew Dice Clay? Will live to see 80, no problem. 80 and unfunny, but 80 nonetheless. But maybe, just maybe, that's the way it's supposed to be. You don't outstay your welcome. You don't become America's favorite TV dad on According to Jim, but you also don't end up on a VH1 reality series or a crappy sitcom with Cathy Moriarty. You die at the peak of your abilites leaving people wanting more, and the world truly misses you when you're gone. I'll never have that, Andrew Dice Clay will never have that, most people will never have that. But guys like John Belushi, they come around once in a lifetime. I wish I'd known him. Check out Belushi's Wikipedia page. It was amazing the things he did in his life. He crammed into 33 years more life than a lot of us have at 40 or more...or ever will. Well done, my friend.


Lolo Ferrari
Feb. 9, 1963 – Mar. 5, 2000
I wish I'd known Lolo Ferrari, too...but she was no Belushi. John Belushi was the type of guy I'd like to party with, bask in the glow of his sheer personal magnetism. Lolo Ferrari I just wanted to hump. It don't make me a bad person. Lolo has the distinction of having the largest silicone breast implants in the history of the world. Not the largest breasts, mind you, the largest implants. She also did porn...a legacy that her fans can enjoy even today. Wikipedia attributes her death to "natural causes", but she was 37 years old. What sort of "natural causes" kill you at 37? Why Wikipedia didn't mention that her husband was arrested for her murder (by suffocation) in 2002 is a mystery to me.

Edit: The husband was apparently later cleared...which as we know doesn't mean he didn't do it, but that they couldn't pin anything on him. My Consitutionally-protected opinion.

Catching Up With The Dead.

Lou Costello
Mar. 6, 1906 - Mar. 3, 1959
Abbott and Costello were never a factor in my life. I was aware of them, but I was never really a fan and I didn't like any of their 36 films except Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, which is great. But everybody knows it was the monsters and not A&C who made that so good. Of course I know the "Who's on First?" routine, everybody does. But can you name another of their routines? That's what I'm saying. The duo split up in 1957. Costello went on to make one solo film (The 30 Foot Bride of Candy Rock) and died of a heart attack on March 3, 1959. Bud Abbott, being a curmudeonly bastard, lived until 1974 and died peacefully in his sleep. The TV movie Bud and Lou has Costello (Buddy Hackett) in a hospital bed. Against the doctor's wishes he requests an ice cream soda. He drinks it and says "That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted", and drops dead. I always thought this story was crap, but apparently it's true. Leave it to Hollywood to surprise you with the truth.


John Candy
Oct. 31, 1950 - Mar. 4, 1994
I love John Candy. I was 13 years old when NBC started airing SCTV on Friday nights in 1981, and I'd more often than not fall asleep trying to watch the whole 90-minute show. He was a master of impersonations, from Orson Welles to Curly Howard to Merlin Olsen and Jackie Gleason, and he was more often than not the highlight of the show for me. Later he went on to appear in supporting roles in movies like Stripes and National Lampoon's Vacation before making a move to leading man and making a lot of unfunny films before his death, including Summer Rental, Who's Harry Crumb?, and Delirious. But don't forget he was also hilarious in the modern classics Spaceballs, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Splash, and Uncle Buck. Being in these four films alone make him fantastic. For me, one of his best roles came in 1991's JFK, where he has a very small part showing great dramatic range. As is the case with heavier actors, he died of a heart attack in his sleep during the filming of Wagons East! in Mexico on March 4, 1994, at age 43.

Lazy, Lazy Death.

Death is taking a couple of days off. Be back Wednesday, March 5, with more tales of death, boobs, and porn.

Death's Day Off!

Death is taking a couple of days off. Be back Wednesday, March 5, with more tales of death, boobs, and porn.

Dead Porn Star #2.

Cal Jammer
March 2, 1960 - January 25, 1995
Apparently, being a porn star and having sex all the time with beautiful women isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'd be willing to test that theory myself...but the evidence suggests that porn stars are as screwed up as the rest of us, if not more.

Cal Jammer (born Randy Lynn Potes) was such an individual. In the porn industry he was popular and got steady work, but wasn't necessarily a huge star. He developed a relationship with porn actress Jill Kelly and they were married in 1993, but he was using illegal drugs and suffering from depression and her openly cheating on him didn't help matters. She became involved with actress P.J. Sparxx as well during this time.

On January 25, 1995 Cal caught his wife in bed with a fellow porn actor. Hours later he blew his brains out in her driveway. This was the basis for a subplot in the film Boogie Nights a few years later.

Again, it seems like there is an extraordinary amount of tragedy in the adult industry. Could it be that the thing that makes a person want to appear in adult films is the same thing that screwed them up in the first place? Or am I just talking out of my ass? We'll never know for sure my friend...we'll never know for sure.

Fester? I Barely Knew Her!

Jackie Coogan
October 26, 1914 – March 1, 1984
Jackie Coogan was a child actor discovered by Charlie Chaplin in 1917 and he made millions from his movie roles. Unfortunately, all his earnings were spent by his mother and stepfather on cocaine and heroin. He sued them, only to get about $125,000 back. The legal battle resulted in legislation called The California Child Actor's Bill, or The Coogan Act, that specified that 15% of a child actor's earnings be set aside by the employer in a trust.

Coogan served in World War II as a Flight Officer and requested hazardous duty with the 1st Commando Air Group, where he flew British troops hundreds of miles behind Japanese lines. After the war he resumed his acting career and appeared in many films and TV series until his retirement in the mid-1970s.

Of course he's best remembered as Uncle Fester on The Addams Family TV series of the '60s. In the TV series Fester was Morticia's uncle, but in the 1991 movie he was Gomez's brother. My contention is that he was both, because they're both creepy and kooky. The Uncle Fester character was played by a badly miscast Christopher Lloyd in the 1991 film and its sequel, and Ron Jeremy played the part in the XXX-rated parody The Maddams Family. Not that I've seen that, of course. Okay, I'm lying. I have.

Jackie Coogan died of a heart attack at age 69 on Mar. 1, 1984. His grandson is actor Keith Coogan, who starred in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.