The Blog That Almost Died. A Year Later.

This blog was abandoned a year ago. Well, not really abandoned. Put off and forgotten. I've decided to bring it back. As it is I've missed literally hundreds of opportunities to write about my second-favorite subject, dead celebrities. My first-favorite subject, boobs, will be covered elsewhere.

People I've missed writing about in the last year, and mind you it could have been comedy gold...

George Carlin, Michael Jackson, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Dom Deluise, that Oxy Clean guy, Bea Arthur, that other tiny old lady from Golden Girls, and God knows who else. Many, many dead people have slipped away, both literally and figuratively, from the grasp of this blog. But no time to look back. Remember the idea of this blog is to capitalize on the very day that a person died, or that the dead person was born. It's all about the day. New daily posts will begin on this blog starting tomorrow, July 1. So, we begin again.

And when I say "we", I'm referring to me and the evil voices in my head.

Why Couldn't it Have Been Keith Olbermann?!?

Tim Russert
May 7, 1950 - June 13, 2008

I want to be perfectly clear on this: I wasn't a huge Tim Russert fan. Not that he was a bad guy, or that I was opposed to his politics...but the simple truth was, I didn't really know who he was. In fact, in my mind Meet The Press host Tim Russert and Hardball host Chris Matthews were one. To me, they were literally interchangeable. Who hosted Hardball? Beats me. That fat NBC guy? What's his name? Oh yeah, Tim Russert.

Now...not so much, I suppose. Tim Russert had just returned from a vacation to Italy with his family and was recording some audio this morning when he had a massive heart attack and died. Which is indeed a bummer, even though I couldn't really pick him out of a lineup. Everyone else in the media seems to suddenly have an enormous amount of respect for him.

Maybe even Keith Olbermann will have a thoughtful, tearful tribute to him on Countdown tonight. And, maybe, just maybe, the vengeful spirit of Edward R. Murrow will appear and drag Keith's sorry ass screaming down to Hell, Ghost-style.

One More Reason to Hate Richard Dawson.

Diana Dors
Oct. 23, 1931 - May 4, 1984
I know very little about Diana Dors. She was a British actress and she was hot. Perhaps this is all that really matters.

And yet, there's more to be said. She was generally regarded as the British Marilyn Monroe, and there was a strong physical resemblance. She made many films and became an international star...or at least in countries other than America she was. While she's virtually unknown here, she was nevertheless featured on the covers of the Beatles Sgt. Pepper's and the Smiths Singles albums and was the subject of a tribute song ("Good Day") by the Kinks. At the height of her career, she was married to Hogan's Heroes star Richard Dawson. This seems to be the only truly dark spot on her resume. But at least this was before he was kissing all those trailer park wives on Family Feud. She developed stomach cancer and died on this day in 1984.

No Dead Horse Puns, Please.

Eight Belles
May 3, 2008
Bummer, huh?

You live all your life for one purpose. It's the biggest day of your life. You run fast, you try hard, you come in second, but then you break both your ankles and they come and kill you. In front of everybody. Damn, that sucks.

I mean, really. What's that all about?

You know, a lot of people still think that horse racing is a barbaric sport. I don't think that...but I think it's unnecessary, like boxing. And in my opinion, horse racing is kind of a rip-off. You work for years to get there, you train and spend a lot of money, and it's over in 90 seconds. In many ways I think there's a sexual metaphor there, but I'm not going to be the one to make it. No sir, not today.

The biggest crime of horse racing is that it bores me. Men on horses, wow.

I say put monkeys on them. Only not on horses, on dogs. Yes. Spider monkeys. Spider monkeys on dogs. Those little bastards are nothing but cute. And they're still wearing those little jockey outfits.

Now that's entertainment!

Down and Out in Beverly Hills

David Rappaport
November 23, 1951 - May 2, 1990
Yeah, well. I remember when this guy died. He was a very small British actor who actually had a fairly successful career in TV and movies. He was one of the main characters in Time Bandits and The Bride and was set to guest-star on Star Trek: The Next Generation at the time of his death. In the year before his death he'd made some appearances on L.A. Law and had a short-lived '80s series of his own (The Wizard). But he suffered from depression and general unhappiness and bought a .38 and killed himself. This is the same way that Herve Villaichaze (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) also chose to check out.

Look. While I'm a man of average (or some would say, less than average) height myself, I will never know what it's like to be a "little person". But I do know that many a diminutive actor has had hard times and continued to work and not offed himself. I know it's all a matter of personal choice, but look how long Billy Barty lived. He took a lot of bad movie and TV roles, up to and including dressing up in the sea monster outfit in Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, but he never gave up. Worked right up until the time of his death at age 76. Warwick Davis, who starred in Willow (which Barty was also in), hasn't given up. Even though he's mostly appeared in the awful Leprechaun movies for the last 15 years, he's still a working and successful actor in Hollywood.

And if you tiny short men out there need further inspiration, you don't need to look very hard to know that you can be a star. I'm pointing, of course to the careers of Al Pacino and Prince. Face!

Thank you and good night.

I'm Huge!

Steve Reeves
Jan 21, 1926 - May 1, 2000
Steve Reeves is best remembered today for two things:

1) Being a recurring joke on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and
2) Being mentioned in the song "Sweet Transvestite" in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

He's not so much really known for being Mr. Universe 1950 or those terrible Hercules movies he made in the 1950s/1960s. While beautifully filmed, they were poorly dubbed and chopped up and confusing to American audiences. Not really a very good actor, he nonetheless got a lot of film work because he was muscular and good-looking. He turned down the role of James Bond in Dr. No, which might not have been that wise in retrospect. It went to Sean Connery, who became a huge star.

When Gladiator was being filmed, director Ridley Scott never got around to offering Reeves a cameo. He later regretted it, and Reeves died on the very day the film premiered.

An odd thing about Reeves was the fact that you never heard his real voice. In all his Italian-made gladiator movies, his voice was dubbed by other actors. In fact, his actual voice was only heard in the movies Athena and Jail Bait. He was from Montana and spoke fluent English.

My Moustache is Retarded and I am Mean

Adolph Hitler
April 20, 1889 - April 30, 1945

I was never a huge Hitler fan, I'll tell you that right now. I've never been one to follow genocidal maniacs, even if it's true that the Germans do make excellent beer and fantastic cars. You can drive all the BMWs and Volkswagens and drink all the Spaten Munich you want, but there's always going to be that Hitler thing.

Anyway, not only did Hitler murder millions, but he also ruined other things for generations. No one names their kids Adolph anymore, no one parts their hair like that anymore, and no one wears that moustache. And don't forget, that was a very popular moustache many years ago...even Charlie Chaplin had it. But now you can't watch one of the old Chaplin films without thinking "Nazi-loving bastard". And you know it's true.

The rock band KISS cannot use its logo in Germany because the two S's in that logo are jagged and look like symbols of Hitler's SS. This is absolutely true.

So yeah, that's what I'm saying. Not only was Hitler a Jew-hating, VD-ridden, one-testicle-having, bad-art-producing, freaked-out maniac, he was just a jerk.

And I'm glad he's dead.

In your face, Hitler!