Elvis Presley
January 8, 1935 – August 16, 1977
You know who started calling Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"? Michael Jackson did, and he insisted people call him that. Because he was delusional and crazy, that's why. You know, what with Bubbles the chimp and the one glove and having no nose and coveting the Elephant Man's bones and also coveting the bones of little boys. Allegedly.
You know who started calling Elvis "The King of Rock and Roll"? Everyone. Because he was.
Look, I'm not even that big a fan of Elvis' music. I can take or leave it, and a most of the music from his movies is just terrible. But Elvis wasn't about music. He was about revolution. He didn't create rock and roll, but he ruled it. And there's no sense denying it. That's why both Michael Jackson and Nicholas Cage married his crazy daughter. They wanted some of that Elvis coolness to rub off on them, too. Worked for Nick, not so much for Michael.
You can't deny that he was cool. Probably the second coolest person who ever lived, right behind Jesus. And being cool is better than being a talented actor or a great singer. Being cool is the best thing you can be in this world. Remember, that's why people smoke.
Down south, even if we don't like Elvis, we appreciate him. We understand what Elvis was all about, and we try to live by that code. Simply put, Elvis' philosophy of life was:
1. Sing.
2. Take care of your momma.
3. Be humble.
4. Bang chicks.
5. Enjoy pharmaceuticals.
6. Eat.
7. Die.
It's a simple way of life that I can understand and relate to.
When Michael Jackson died last year, it was a big deal. Sure, if you've got the internet and 500 TV channels and TMZ to build it up. But when Elvis died, there wasn't an internet, and only three channels...and it was even bigger. You had to be there, but it was a global event.
Nobody could live like Elvis, and nobody could die like him. Especially not self-proclaimed false "kings". Put that in your hyperbaric sleep chamber and smoke it, glove boy.
