Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dead Man Blogging.


Me.
Dec. 26, 1967 - ?


Well, I don't know what to say. This certainly puts a damper on things.

If you're reading this post, it means that I've unfortunately cashed it in at some point during the year. Believing that I would inevitably die at some point, I've written up this snappy obit for myself. It will appear on the anniversary of my birth, since I'm not up on what day I'm supposed to die. Wouldn't it be ironic if I died on December 26th? No, it wouldn't be. It would be coincidental.

Ironic would be if I were crushed by a giant iron.

In truth, there's really not that much to say. I was here, I had some laughs, I drank some beer, I shared the company of women. I wrote stuff, I drove around a lot, lived in a few different states, I made some huge errors in judgment.

It was a blast. And it sucked. Equal parts of both. Take it easy...see ya on the other side.

"Time is short and here’s the damn thing about it
You’re gonna die, gonna die for sure
You can learn to live with love or without it
But there ain’t no cure"

---John Hiatt

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Scheduled Down Time....

The move is in progress right about now, so there won't be any new posts for the next few days. They'll resume on Monday, July 27th or so.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thank You, Tiny Old Woman, For Being a Friend.


Estelle Getty
July 25, 1923 - July 22, 2008

I wasn't really a fan of The Golden Girls.

No, to be completely honest, to say that I wasn't a fan of The Golden Girls is putting it mildly. I hated it. It was a complete waste of time and had no reason to exist, save to give people stuck at home on Saturday night something to watch while their lives passed them by.

But I did pay to see Estelle Getty and Sylvester Stallone in Stop...Or My Mom Will Shoot! in a theater, so who am I kidding?

When Estelle Getty died a year ago today, people felt bad. They were completely shocked...because she was, in reality, only slightly younger than Bea Arthur, the actress who played her daughter on the show. Her Golden Girls co-stars Betty White and Rue McLanahan had very nice things to say about her.

But when Bea Arthur died a few months back, people just made jokes that she was a transexual and slammed her. Nobody had much good to say about her.

I think there's an important lesson to be learned from this. But I don't know what it is.

I guess...be nice to people, and they'll be nice to you. Be a cranky old hag and no one will want to work with you and people will make jokes on radio shows after your death that you had a penis.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Death's Day Off.


No one died today. Also no one who later died was born today. No one at all. This is a guarantee, and you don't even have to check it out. They must have done something to the water.

Check back tomorrow for guaranteed death.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting


Bruce Lee
Nov. 27, 1940 - July 20, 1973

Bruce Lee died on this day in 1973. He was killed by ninja assassins, the very same ninja assassins who later shot his son Brandon on the set of the movie The Crow and more recently caught up with his friend David Carradine. They dressed David up in fishnets and a wig and tied a rope around his junk to humiliate him. It's the Bruce Lee Curse, my friends. When you run with ninja assassins, you can always count on them getting you. You cannot escape.

Also, on this date in 1969, some guys stood around on a movie set at area 51 and Walter Cronkite reported that we'd walked on the moon. But he knew too much and he was killed last Friday by ninja assassins.

Oh, they will get you. You may be 92 years old and retired, but they will come for you. Beware of ninja assassins.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Adventures of Crazy Mama Oswald


Marguerite Oswald
July 19, 1907 - Jan. 17, 1981

"Lee Harvey Oswald, my son, even after his death,
has done more for his country than
any other living human being."

As with all things, I am judging Lee Harvey's mother, Marguerite Oswald, to be crazy simply from something I saw in a movie. In this case it was a throwaway line in Oliver Stone's well-made but historically innacurate 1991 epic JFK. Stone really doesn't expand on it other than to say she was bonkers. So what was so crazy about her, anyways?

"This young man - whether he's my son or a stranger -
repeatedly declares, I didn't do it, I didn't do it. And
he's shot down. That's not the American way of life.
A man is innocent until he's proved guilty."

I read a good bit of Mama Oswald's testimony to the Warren Commission and found it unremarkable. She seems like a cranky old lady trying to get some representation for her son, but it doesn't reveal her to be any crazier than the average old lady.

Lee's father had died two months before he was born and his mother mostly raised him and his two brothers by herself. While living in New York, Young Lee was diagnosed with psychotic tendencies in 1953 and was recommended for psyhciatric help, but his mother opted to suddenly move to New Orleans instead. What could possibly go wrong?

Because his mother moved around so much, he had lived in 22 different homes by age 18. Depending on who you ask, there was or wasn't a series of "uncles" coming around, some with mafia connections. Lee therefore either did or didn't have connections to the New Orleans mob boss Carlos Marcello, who either did or didn't employ Jack Ruby, the man who either did or didn't shoot Oswald many years later. Allegedly.

(JFK's central character, Jim Garrison, was a gambler and apparently owed money to Marcello. As a result, he was quick to brush off any mob connection to the JFK assassination. This fact is one of many missing from Stone's film.)

"Lee was such a fine, high-class boy. If my son
killed the President he would have said so.
That's the way he was brought up."

In 1964, Marguerite released a record album on Folkways records in which she read her son's letters he'd written while living in Russia. Nothing more American than making a fast buck off your recently-dead son. Papa Joe Jackson would be so proud. It must be terrible...I'd love to hear it.

I was fascinated to find a photographic analysis of photos of Marguerite Oswald from the 1950s. Turns out there were several different Marguerite Oswalds, including fakes and doubles, and the thing was a cover-up before it was even a cover-up. God as my witness, there are some people who believe that they (whoever they are) were planning the JFK assassination while Oswald was still in grade school.

There's nothing about this case that doesn't fit. The most unbelievable nuggets of information somehow all seem to make sense in the enormous scope of it all. Maybe that's why Marguerite Oswald doesn't really seem all that crazy to me.

"Mr. Johnson should remember that I am not just anyone
and that he is only President of the United States
by the grace of my son's action."



**For the record, I am on the fence about the JFK assassination. I was once a believer in a huge conspiracy, but time has shown me that freaky things can and do happen every day. The career of Carrot Top is proof enough of this. There is simply too much money in perpetuating wild theories which can never be proven, and there's a good chance that a lot of the disinformation has come from the government itself in an effort to distract us all from more current shenanigans.**

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Hot Chicks of Ancient Hollywood, Part 1


Lupe Velez
July 18, 1908 - Dec. 13, 1944

What can I say about Lupe Velez? She was hot, and now she's dead. Seriously. There's not much more to it than that.

She starred in several films, most notably the Mexican Spitfire series, but I found her to be at her hottest in a 1932 film called Kongo. She was married to Tarzan star Johnny Weismuller for five years and apparently suffered from bipolar disorder.

As for her death, Wikipedia has this to say:

"In the mid-1940s, she had a relationship with the young actor Harald Maresch, and became pregnant with his child. Vélez, following her Catholic upbringing, refused to have an abortion. Unable to face the shame of giving birth to an illegitimate child, she decided to take her own life. Her suicide note read, "To Harald: May God forgive you and forgive me, too; but I prefer to take my life away and our baby's, before I bring him with shame, or killing him. Lupe." She retired to bed after taking an overdose of sleeping pills. According to newspaper accounts, her body was found by her secretary and companion of ten years, Beulah Kinder.

Andy Warhol's underground film, Lupe (1965), starring Edie Sedgwick as Lupe, is loosely based on this fateful night, suggesting that she was found with her head in the toilet due to nausea caused by the overdose. Another report says she tripped and fell head-first into the toilet, knocking herself unconscious and drowning. However, Kinder reports finding Vélez peacefully asleep in her bed."


Lupe Velez has an unusual place amongst the other women on my "Time Machine List". Assuming a time machine can be perfected in my lifetime, I would steal it and use it to travel back to fornicate with the women on the list. Others on this list include Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Anna Nicole Smith, and porn actress Trinity Loren. Lupe Velez is the only actress on the list who was less than a c-cup. Although I'm normally a meat and potatoes man, I sometimes like to spice things up.