Dave Thomas and the Robot Love Cult

Dave Thomas
July 2, 1932 - January 8, 2002

When I went to work (briefly) for Wendy's in the year 2000, my fellow employees spoke in hushed and reverent tones about Dave Thomas, who was born on this day in 1932. My manager told me that few people had actually met Dave, and she'd worked for the company for over ten years and had never once been in his presence. It apparently was an honor that had to be earned, like an audience with the Pope. A select few were worthy, but most were not.

Dave was a mysterious and enigmatic figure despite his "regular guy" persona. He never knew his mother, who put him up for adoption. He served in the Army during the Korean War, eventually he ran some Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in Ohio, and he started Wendy's in 1969. Typical stuff you can find on Wikipedia, which is pretty much where I got it.

Anyone who works at Wendy's will tell you that (like most fast food joints) the object is to provide good food to customers quickly and make a profit. And yet, I've always felt there was always something that was slightly off about the place. The first thing you notice is the square hamburger patties. At one point my manager told me, "We make the patties square because at Wendy's we don't cut corners."

Even when I was working for them, I was amazed at how well the place was run. Everything was cooked to order and it could take no more than sixty seconds for customers to get their food. There was a person whose job it was to toast buns, there was a constant flow of fresh patties being put on the grill in a clockwise fashion, and there was absolutely no waste. The patties that were not used were put in a bin and chopped up, for use in Wendy's famous chili.

Most amazing to me were the little folded pamplets that had had instructions, in English and Spanish, on how to do everything in the restaurant. They detailed every food item and almost any situation that could occur and how to prevent or remedy it. I've worked in a lot of fast food places and have never seen such fanatical precision.

The manager training process was like going to college. Two weeks of classes, including homework, in a honest-to-goodness full-size fake training restaurant, then weeks and weeks of extensive training in random locations. It was bizarre.

The idea, of course, was to inspire loyalty and to screen out the lazy or unsavory element. But it always seemed to me that maybe there was something deeper. Like it was an initiation. Like if you went through all the hoops and said the right things and did good, then maybe someday you'd meet Dave.

And then it struck me. There was no Dave.

It was all a game. The "Dave Thomas" that was in all the TV ads couldn't be real. He was just an actor, or a robot double, to be the public face of Wendy's while the real Dave was on an island fortress smoking cigars and being serviced by an army of sex slaves. It was like that phony UFO religion made up by that insane sci-fi writer that all the Hollywood stars got suckered into.

Dave Thomas died of liver cancer in 2002, if you can believe that they tell you. Maybe so, maybe not. Or perhaps he's being held in suspended animation, being attended to by an army of robot clones or mad scientists who are even now working to bring him back.

Was there ever a real Dave Thomas? Sure there was. Just like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, Dave Thomas lives in our hearts. As long as there is a dollar menu, or a pick-up window, Dave Thomas will always be watching us.