Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day of the Dead.


Ted Williams
August 30, 1918 – July 5, 2002
Louis Armstrong
August 4, 1901 – July 6, 1971
Joel Siegel
July 7, 1943 – June 29, 2007

It's been a few days since I blogged dead people, so it's time to catch up with the past few days of room-temperature celebrities.

Ted Williams was a respected and famous major league baseball player and war hero, but he's more remembered for the bizarre legal wranglings by his family after his death. Ted's contested (and possibly fraudulent) will called for his head to be put into "biostasis" (cryogenic suspension) until he could be revived.

But the head was apparently damaged (cracked) by employees at the cryogenics lab, letting Ted's oozy goodness and life essence escape. Williams' son John-Henry was believed to be the forger of the will until he unexpectedly died in 2004 and is currently frozen as well. Someday they'll all be revived, maybe even in a Ray Milland-Rosie Grier Thing With Two Heads type of deal. It would be pretty sweet. Hurry up, science!

Louis Armstrong was a balding, sweaty man who played the trumpet. He was adored by audiences due to his folksy, affable nature. Although he died nearly forty years ago, it's hard to avoid his peaceful anthem "What a Wonderful World". In fact it's impossible to avoid it. You know how great that song is, and how enraging it is to see it used ironically in substandard films like Good Morning, Vietnam and Fahrenheit 9/11?

It's not Louis' fault. Not at all. As usual, I blame the Liberals. Oh, did I say "Liberals"? I meant to say Progressives. Yeah. That's so totally different. My bad.

Joel Siegel was the movie reviewer with a difference: he never met a movie he didn't like. Put any awful movie up for him to review on Good Morning, America and he'd have nothing but glowing things to say about it. Supposedly he was respected by his peers, but I can't see how. You think Roger Ebert, as wrong as he is about so many things (and completely insane on his Twitter account, if you've seen that) would have put up with Siegel's crap? No way, man.

Ebert loves movies, but not all movies. Joel Siegel was just a good date. If somebody paid for his ticket and his popcorn, he seemed happy with whatever was on the screen. A year before his death, though, Siegel went nuts and walked out of a critic's screening of Clerks 2 and loudly announced it was the worst thing he'd ever seen. I think it was just the cancer talking. The real Joel Siegel would never hate a movie. Not even Twilight.

The most interesting thing I've learned about Siegel is that he was a joke writer for Senator Robert F. Kennedy and was at the Ambassador Hotel on the night of his assassination. My strong dislike for Joel dictates that I implicate him in RFK's death, but we all know that it was Sirhan Sirhan...a lone gunman, acting alone, without a hint of conspiracy. Nope. Not even a little bit.

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