November 28, 1967 – February 8, 2007
Ah, the sadness. It still hurts, baby.
I have an un-ironic and deep abiding love for trashy things. I love fermented wine coolers, I love cheap nudie horror flicks, and I love Anna Nicole Smith. And a year ago today she left us. She died as she lived...naked, in bed, drugged-out, and in a pool of her own vomit. I loved her. I really did.
I deliberately waited until this date to start Dead Person of the Day because I wanted my first entry to be meaningful to me, and this is one of the most important of all. Seriously. I know that my reputation as a sarcastic bastard might cause some doubt, but ya gotta believe me!
She started out as a Playboy Playmate and Guess Jeans model, but her greatest fame came as the living embodiment of the bleached-blonde trailer trash mega-skank that America loves so much. In her absence, Britney Spears has attempted to fill her shoes with her own brand of slutty redneck insanity, but it all seems so...hollow. You can show your cooch all you want, Britney. You can get locked up in the laughing house, have all sorts of wanton sex with members of the paparazzi, but you'll never do it with the sense of style that Anna would have.
And also, you'll never have the giant boobs. That's key.
Maybe I've had too much coffee. Maybe it's too late to really be writing these words, but I always had the dream of someday meeting Anna. I just knew that if we ever met in person, that we would be friends, that she might learn to love me as much as I loved her. And also that I could hit that a few times.
But that's neither here nor there. I'll always remember her from her great work in such films as the low-budget action/tit flicks To The Limit and Skyscraper and the weekly train wreck that was The Anna Nicole Show, not the sordid details of her death and the media circus that followed.
Marilyn Monroe was dead a good five years when I was born. Anna Nicole Smith was about a month older than me. For my generation, and for me personally, she was the ultimate woman...and when she was heavier, she was all the more so. I absolutely adored her. Really, honestly I did. I have a weakness for dumb blondes with huge cans, and there will never be another so dumb, with cans so huge. It's a damn shame.
The Bible says that God prepares mansions for his children in Heaven...and somewhere, there is a beautiful trailer park in the sky with streets of gold. There's a bleach-blonde angel hanging white robes on a clothes line up there, and someday I'd like to rent the lot right next to her.
I'm just sayin'.
No comments:
Post a Comment