Oh, sure. Everybody takes July 4th off. Well, not me, mister. Other blogs might take national holidays off, but I'll not be caught with my figurative pants around my metaphorical ankles. Death is the biggest thing going, and it never stops. I'm here to keep up with it. And by "keep up", I mean to take swipes at famous people years (or sometimes decades) after their deaths...or whenever I feel like it.
So, in this special holiday edition of Dead Person of the Day, I have decided to put a number of July 4 fatalities up against each other...just for kicks. This is not the way I usually do things, but I didn't feel like doing a "real" post. Enjoy. Or, not.
Sep. 12, 1944 - July 4, 2003
vs.
Jesse Helms
Oct. 18, 1921 - July 4, 2008
Now, it's not likely that the paths of white supremacist North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms and chocolate mountain of love Barry White ever crossed. Jesse wouldn't have approved of White's sexy ways, and Barry would be too busy having sex and busting out soul hits to even notice. Jesse would be advocating "whites only" drinking fountains and cutting funding for AIDS research, but Barry would be selling 100 million records and making sweet, sweet love. While Jesse would be opposing a national holiday for Martin Luther King, Barry would be busy appearing on The Simpsons and being the commercial spokesman for Arby's. It's not hard to decide whose side I would fall on in such a battle. Barry White all the way, bitches. He was just too sexy and soulful to vote otherwise.
Oct. 30, 1735 - July 4, 1826
vs.
Thomas Jefferson
Apr. 13, 1743 - July 4, 1826
Thomas Jefferson...third President of the United States. Political genius, founder of the University of Virginia, father of freakin' democracy. John Adams...second President of the United States. So-so leader whose cousin Samuel brewed kickass beer, accidental war hero, had his ass handed to him by Jefferson in the 1800 election. Both men died on July 4, 1826, the fiftieth anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Adams was on his deathbed but spoke of warmly Jefferson, not knowing that Jefferson had totally owned him and grabbed the spotlight by dying hours earlier. Ye TMZ completely had the Jefferson death up already and the Adams story was way down at the bottom of the page. Jefferson for the win...since he's not only on the nickel, but the freakin' $2 bill. How many denominations of money is John Adams on? None, that's how many. Also had a kickass sitcom, The Jeffersons, loosely based on his life. Movin' on up, Tommy J!
Apr. 28, 1758 - July 4, 1831
"Oooooh, I'm James Monroe. I have a doctrine! I want to be like the other Presidents and die on July 4, too! No one remembers me!"
Please. The biggest thing that happened during your Presidency was the acquisition of Florida. You want that to be your legacy?!? You make Millard Fillmore look like Vin Diesel. Point goes to no one. It's just pathetic.
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